Last night I had the amazing opportunity to be interviewed by Elder Kay Starks. We had a transparent, in depth and quite hilarious conversation about the reality of infertility. If you missed that broadcast click the link below 👇 to watch.
At one point in this interview we began talking about the seemingly innocent things people say that are actually insensitive. I know that sometimes people don’t know that what they’re saying is insensitive so I’ve created a list to help you guys out with that. And just know that what you think is a perfectly normal question or comment can actually be damaging and depressing for the person you’re talking to.. Like seriously, it can actually make a person go into a mood or state of mind that can take hours, days and sometimes months to come out of. So here goes…
What not to say to women experiencing infertility or child loss….
1. Maybe it just wasn’t God’s will –
Let’s just throw this WHOLE statement away. This statement is not helpful whatsoever and it makes us feel inadequate and unworthy.
2. Maybe you should have more faith – Seriously guys, we have to stop presuming the faith is lacking just because someone is struggling
3. You should JUST relax, adopt, become a foster mom or try IVF (pretty much any statement that starts with the word JUST can be damaging) –
Relaxing is not a cure, IVF is expensive and not guaranteed, and fostering/adopting should should be thoroughly thought out and not taken lightly.
4. You can have my kids –
I’m still trying to figure out the logic behind this statement. Ma’am, I don’t want YOUR kids, I want my own. Seriously though, this comment makes us give you side eye…
5. Are you sure you want kids, they’re a lot of work –
Trust me if a woman is willing to go to endless doctors visits, get poked and prodded, and fill her body with medications she can barely pronounce then YES, she is sure.
6. You can always try again – Although this statement is technically true the emotional turmoil that surrounds infertility and child loss can make a woman be apprehensive about trying again.
Although this isn’t an exhaustive list of things you shouldn’t say, it’s definitely a start. I pray that this help you as you are supporting your friends and family members that are dealing with infertility. Remember, if you don’t know what to say just tell her you’re thinking of her and simply ask her what she needs in that moment.